The teenagers from our church joined with several other churches at an all-night Lock In last weekend. While planning with other leaders, I told them upfront: I will be going to bed. It may be around 2am or so, but at some point I will go to bed. I’m old enough and know my body well enough to know that I really can’t stay up all night and need at least an attempt at sleep.
This was not a difficult boundary to set. And the other youth leaders had a good laugh about it.
Other boundaries are harder to set.
When the needs of someone I care about are greater than my capacity to respond. Or, when I ask for something and the person doesn’t respond the way I’d hoped. Or if I have a misunderstanding and don’t know how to repair a relationship.
I’ve been talking through scenarios like these a lot lately as the subject of boundaries has come up in my circle and in my circle’s circle.
A few thoughts on my approach to boundaries:
It is possible to have compassion and not be consumed. I used to think of boundaries as black and white extremes: either I grant every request someone makes of me, or I stop taking their calls. If someone said something I don’t appreciate, I get angry. When someone lets me down, I no longer consider them a friend.
Instead, I can find a middle ground that works for me. I can choose to accept that someone else’s behavior is their behavior. And then make my own decision about my behavior in response.
Boundaries are not about changing other people’s behavior. I set boundaries on my behavior. In the all-night lock in example, I didn’t expect others to go to bed at 2am, or even to be quiet so I could sleep. Instead, I stated my actions in a given situation.
Similarly, if someone asks a lot of me, more than I’m willing or able to give, I can hold to what I’m able to give. They may ask again and again – all of that is outside my control. What is in my control is to hold to my boundary and restate it.
If someone has hurt my feelings in the past, I can’t will them to act differently going forward. If they give me the cold shoulder or leave me out, that is beyond my control. What I can do is to stop expecting them to act differently. When I limit my expectations, I may find a workable relationship that is limited but that I can accept.
If I know ahead of time that I’m going into a situation that has been difficult for me in the past, I can take special care of myself. I can plan some space before and after: take a walk, call a friend, or listen to some calming music. Taking care of myself will help me respond from a healthy place. When I’m already frazzled, tired, stressed out or in general feeling depleted, I will not respond well to a difficult situation. I may resent them or get upset that they’re (surprise) acting the way they always act.
When it comes to sleep, 2am is honestly too late for me to go to bed. But, it’s better than nothing. And, I’m really glad I was able to participate in the Lock In with the youth from our church. I planned an easy day for myself the next day and am just about caught up on sleep.
I don’t have to have my day or week ruined by something someone else said or did. I get to choose what kind of day I have. The good news is that I can restart my day at any time.
And a new beginning is a great place to start.
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~What I’m reading~
The Nature of the Beast by Louise Penny