Lessons We Learn

A reflection on parenthood and collaboration with Mary Austin

Mary Austin who writes at Stained Glass in the City, has been reflecting on parenthood during the month of May and collaborating with writers each week. I’m honored to share in the series and offer here a joint post: one reflection written by Austin and one by me. Enjoy!

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By Mary Austin:

Baked In

As I was walking in the quiet of the graveyard, a stone with my daughter’s name on it brought me up short. The awareness of her (hopefully far off) death hit me hard. When I got home, she asked, “What things did you want to instill in me, as a parent?” What shape did you want my life to have, she meant.

It’s hard to remember now, what my original hopes were, and what came along as I learned that parenting is really about living with the kid in front of you, instead of the ideal kid you planned to have.

On my list of hoped-for lessons: Kindness. The ability to make yourself happy. A love of adventures. The joy of reading. Truthfulness. A way to make the world better, in a way that fits your talents.

Things I never expected: a person with fashion sense. Where on earth did that come from? A person who’s great at math. Definitely from dad.

Really, most of the lessons have gone the other way. If anyone is being shaped and molded, it’s the parent.

Her impatience was a huge mirror for my own. Watching her struggle to make things perfect made me look hard at my belief that the world was better when things were perfect. Her kindness shoves me into doing better.

What I didn’t know how to teach: astute awareness of the systems in the world, and how gender oppression and racism shape her life. I wish I had said more about that, to balance out the American narrative that we all live by hard work and merit.

I see now that my lessons were too small. Too much “write a thank you note” and too little “choose an interesting life.” More “get to the food store early before it’s busy” and less “you are powerful – use it well.” Way too much “be kind” and way too little “smash the patriarchy.”

Her teachers, thankfully, extend beyond our household. Our longtime friends, “the Aunties,” live in a downtown apartment, with a life of unusual work, food and ideas. My sisters-in-law show how to be capable women who use their own unexpected talents. My brother illuminates the power of being fluent in another language.

We learn the deeper truths the hard way. How to be as loving and also stand up for yourself. How to claim your strengths and your weaknesses, and work with both. How to have faith in something bigger than yourself. How to keep faith with people, even though they will disappoint you – and you them. How to see your life with thanksgiving, no matter what.

When the day comes that her name is on the tombstone, or written in the dust, I hope my child knows all these things, and more.

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By Frances Rosenau:

I always pictured myself as a ballet mom: pulling hair back in a tight bun or adding bows to costumes.

Fast forward to today. As I write, my car is packed with my favorite stadium chair, baseball scorekeeping book, and a sharpened pencil. Funny how things work out.

Parenthood, for me, has come with surprises starting on day one. From overnight feeding schedules years ago to monitoring teenage screen use today, every age and stage has brought new insights and opportunities to see, eh-hem, my own areas for improvement.

So much of what I thought would be challenging about parenting has turned out to come more naturally, like giving my kids space and letting them figure things out on their own. But the things that really wear me down are things I wouldn’t have expected at all, like slogging through traffic in the evenings to take my kids to their activities.

In honor of Mother’s Day, here are a few of the parenting surprises I’ve had along the way.

What I didn’t see coming:

How much I would want to get outside

I didn’t grow up as a particularly outdoorsy person. I liked being active, sure, but in more climate-controlled environments (see theatre and dance referenced above). When we moved to California a decade ago and my husband immediately scheduled a trip to Yosemite, I just blinked at him and shrugged. Ok, sure. Why not?

So, it’s been surprising to see how much I want to be outside with my kids. We live in a pretty congested part of the greater LA megalopolis. But even when we lived in Upstate NY, we bundled up the toddler, put him in a hiking backpack, and dragged the dog along to go snowshoeing in the hills.

Being in nature has benefits across the board for our physical and mental health. And I especially long to be outside with my children. I love seeing the ways they choose to be outside, to create imaginative worlds, and to examine a bug or run across a field. I can’t wait to explore new places with them.

How regulating myself would help them regulate

It makes sense that children’s brains aren’t developed - and won’t be until they’re in their 20s. I’ve seen those brains in action; I get it.

And, only recently have we really talked more widely about self-regulation and our nervous systems. I used to think that having a short fuse was a personality trait. Who knew there was actually something you could do about it?

Not only can we do something about our stress levels, but we can help regulate our nervous systems so that we’re less reactive in general.

Dr. Becky is my go-to for topics like this and for all things parenting, really.

As I’ve grown as a parent, I’ve been surprised how much my well-being, stress levels, and mood set the tone for the interactions of the whole family.

How much I’d learn from them

Intellectually, I probably expected this. Everyone says they learn from their children or whatever. But I learn, like, actual things about the world now. Not just how to work gadgets and update devices, but new models of cars that are coming out, the flight patterns above our home, the difference between fielders choice and the infield fly rule, and which Marvel characters expire in which movie.

I wouldn’t have gone looking to find these things out. But I’m amazed at what their sponge brains soak up and love hearing about what’s important to them.

The surprises keep coming, and no doubt will continue into their adulthood. In the meantime, you’ll probably find me on a bleacher somewhere, taking deep breaths when I need them, or getting an earful about the finer points of microchip capabilities.

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~What I’m reading~

Time Smart by Ashley Whillans

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